Friday, September 28, 2007

The 4-Way Impaired

In town here we have many, many 4-way stops. Almost every intersection is a 4-way. It makes sense for us. We're too small to have traffic lights everywhere and too big to trust each other on the road.

I'm sure you all know what 4-ways are. Everyone stops and the person that got there first proceeds through the intersection first. If it's a tie, the person on the right goes first. Sounds simple right? Well, there are a lot of 4-way impaired people out there.

You've got several profiles:

1. The coaster - This moron doesn't believe the rules apply to him. Instead of coming to a complete stop at the intersection, regardless if you are already there, he slows down and just coasts through without regard to you or any small children who may be at play.

2. Mr. Far-sighted - This guy never learned what the big white line across the intersection means. He pulls out over the line and prevents you or any other driver, especially large trucks, from making a turn onto his road. Thus he panics and throws the car into reverse only to learn the hard way that another Mr. Far-Sighted has just pulled up behind him.

3. Joe Hospitality - I'm all for politeness while driving. I think we would be a happier people if we could just be courteous on the road. HOWEVER, this is very dangerous at a 4-way. Every once in a while there's that happy-go-lucky asshole that, although he was there hours before you, decides to wave you on. Now you have an unexpected decision to make: do you return the wave, saying "no man, you were here first, you go" and then proceed to get into an inching-forward battle? Or do you say thanks and go, trusting that he will not blind-side you half way through the intersection? Or does he know something you don't? Like maybe there's a broken water main ahead and cars are being swallowed by its collateral sink hole.

4. Mr. All-Business - This is basically "The Coaster" but with a cell phone stuck to his ear. This guy is way too important to be bothered by pedestrians, rules, or other drivers. He has an important lunch/ suck-up meeting with his CEO followed by a chest wax, and mani/ pedi at the Adonis Spa for men.

And finally...

5. Mrs. It Sure Looks Like a 4-Way - This genius seems to channel 4-ways from another dimension, because they AREN'T THERE! There are several requirements you must meet in order to obtain a driver's license and being able to see is one of them. This lady is either blind or schizophrenic because she imagines that there MUST be a 4-way even though it's a 2-way! This happened to me TWICE this week. I came to a stop at a 2-way and a woman approached from my right and stopped in the middle of the street and looked at me like I was crazy for not going. So I sat there mouthing to her "There's no stop for you!" This seemed to make her angry so her wave became very forceful like I had the problem. Now I could either go and risk a blind-side from my left, or I could return that wave and again mouth the words. But alas, I was in no mood for confrontation so I just checked left and proceeded through the intersection at her insistence hoping that some pedestrian saw the whole incident and agreed with me that she was a moron.

So there you have it. Now I feel better having ranted about WC driving. Get me a beer.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Conan at ILM

This is good stuff.

This Townie Really is C-R-A-Z-Y!

Okay I just read this story on Philebrity and it highlights the pure insanity of a former West Chester townie. His name is Jonathan Lee Riches and he is currently incarcerated at Federal Correctional Institution (FCI) Williamsburg in Salters, South Carolina for his part in a multi-state wire-fraud scam where he and his codefendents used a fake AOL spam message to capture the identities of many unsuspecting people. He then used their identities to buy stuff, open credit card accounts, you name it.

But that's not the crazy part. Apparently he is a full-blown, unmedicated, paranoid schizophrenic who entertains himself in prison by filing dozens of ridiculous law-suits. You have to read his Wikipedia page to see the sheer enormity of the suits, but here are a few highlights:

- On March 8, 2006, Mr. Riches (AKA Gino Romano) filed a lawsuit against DEF CON and claiming the defendants had "joined alliance with Al-Qaeda, Irish Republican Army, Nigerian Janjaweeds, and Colombian FARC." The lawsuit also claims that Mr. Riches is an "underground hacker superhero" and that "DEF CON's annual computer hacker convention has my name and picture, and statue on event tickets and baloons (sic)". On May 7, 2007 this lawsuit was dismissed.

- On March 9, 2006, Mr. Riches filed his most famous and largest lawsuit. The civil rights lawsuit naming George W. Bush et al as defendants. The "et al" list continues for 56 more pages and includes 783 defendants (both living, dead, and non-entities) such as the survivors of the Holocaust, Pizza Hut, Dane Cook, Three Mile Island, Paris Hilton, Dennis Hopper, Mount Rushmore, the Ming Dynasty, Mein Kampf, "Various Buddhist Monks", Medieval Times, The Da Vinci Code, and the celestial object Pluto.

- On July 16, 2007 Mr. Riches filed a lawsuit against the Mossad, Central Intelligence Agency, and Larry King Live claiming the "defendants are in a vast conspiracy to hijack my torso, three toes, and my constitutional rights and ship them to a secret headquarters in Concord, NH." Mr. Riches also alleges that the "Mossad told me personally on April 20, 2007 that they are going to hang me on a cross next to Jesus Christ.", that "Larry King Live is a voodoo witch doctor who stole my identity on February 25th, 2003 and purchased lead paint, Chips Ahoy!, Planter's Peanuts, and Ziploc bags under my identity. Distributed them to the CIA to microwave test my DNA.", and that "The CIA on January 4, 2006, plead allegiance to Al-Qaeda.." The court refused to docket the case because the court did not receive a filing fee from Riches.

- On August 3, 2007, Mr. Riches filed a second lawsuit against Michael Vick and other defendants including the Atlanta Falcons NFL team, PETA, and Jason Michael Carpenter seeking 662,000,000,000,000 trillion dollars in British gold delivered by J.B. Hunt Trucking to the front-gate of FCI Williamsburg. This lawsuit claims that "Michael Vick and my co-defendant Jason Michael Carpenter from my Houston criminal case, hacked into my court records in Pennsylvania. Carpenter under Vick's orders sent a botnet trojan into my records at Chester County Court of Common Pleas (in West Chester, PA) and put false information in my dockets to make me look evil." Mr. Riches also claims "Michael Vick was also involved with the Pan Am Flight 103 explosion in Scotland." (it should be noted that Vick was only 8 years old at the time) and that "Michael Vick had a sexual relationship with my co-defendant Jason Michael Carpenter." This civil case was terminated on August 16, 2007

And these are just a few of the DOZENS of crazy suits. You could spend hours just browsing through them. I love that Michael Vick is not only guilty of dog fighting but that he was involved in the Pan Am 103 flight explosion. Plus Michael Vick had a sexual relationship with the co-defendant. Haha. Good times.

He usually files each suit in a different federal court jurisdiction. They say he does this to avoid sanctions against people filing multiple frivolous lawsuits in the same jurisdiction, leading people to wonder if he is actually disturbed, or if he's just passing time during his incarceration.

I guess this is what really happens when you have too much time on your hands. My Mom always warned me about that.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Your Haha for the Day

My sister just sent me an email with these funny motivational parody posters. You know, kinda like those meaningless ones you see hanging in corporate offices that talk about "Teamwork" or "Cooperation" and fool you into thinking that your boss actually gives a crap about you or the company.

These are reminiscent of (which I also LOVE) but much harsher. I thought they were a piss! Here are a few of my favorites:

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Recap of the Boring

Hi all, I've been kinda MIA for a while. I wish I could blame it on my overly demanding social life or the paparazzi or something. But I really have no excuse except for being in a work funk and pure laziness. Let me start with the work part first. Things have been crazy. Without going into details, I'll just say that there were a few difficult moments that tested me. But I'm a better person for it, and I look forward to returning to the awesomeness that I'm accustomed to.

Now to the lazy part. After Big Brother ended in a fireball of disappointment (only because I hated both finalists), I fell into a depression. Sad but true. That's how pathetic I am. I'm hoping the fall season will revive me: Smallville, Survivor, Sunny, Lost, and a few others. I need to feel like I'm back into the swing of things.

I got lazy also in part by the sucky beginning of the Eagles season. WTF? How can we be this bad? I mean there's only 11 games so let's get it together folks! Today was our redemption however, when the Eagles killed the Lions something like 56 to 21. Good times. I got to see some family today too which was nice. My sis had a little picnic where I got to see my big sis, her fab kids and my parents. We had lots of nice food and drinks. I needed that.

The other reason for my laziness is due to my depression cause by sheer poverty. I'm poor. Or as I like to say "poah." Ok, maybe exaggerated a bit, but it still sucks to be counting quarters to buy eggs. I'm serious.

I was talking to my coworker Heather the other day and I was telling her that I was grabbing quarters from my change bowl to buy eggs. So she said "Why don't you just get some from your neighbors?" and my rural girl response, without even thinking about what was coming out of my mouth, was "My neighbors don't have chickens." DUH!

Ok, that's how removed from society I've gotten or maybe it's just this weird farm-girl mentality that I can't shake and never will. Either way, I need to get back in the game and soon before I really lose it.

So I apologize for the lack of posts. I just need more material to blog about and a willingness to do so. Wine seems to help. Until next time.

Monday, September 17, 2007

RIP Bret, We'll Miss You!

If you are a Match Game fan like me, you'll be upset to learn that the Queen of the Match Game, Miss Brett Somers herself, has just passed away at the age of 83. She died Saturday of colon and stomach cancer.

Man that lady was so funny on that show. I guess it helped that they were all drunk as hell. Brett and Charles Nelson Reilly were so cute together; true BFFs. She would steal his answers and he would make some snide lispy remark as he smoked his pipe. And she had such a great laugh, it's hard not to laugh too when you hear her break into chuckles.

Read this to learn more. I love how her son said that she was "irreverent and a self-declared bohemian." Sounds like Brett!

Goodbye Brett, I hope you are Charles are reunited and sharing a drink and a laugh in heaven!

Friday, September 14, 2007

Uncanny Likeness

Wow, leave it to Perez to get it right.

The Funniest Show You're Not Watching

The season premiere of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" was last night. If you aren't watching this show on FX, you should start now and then watch all the back episodes from the last 2 seasons.

The show follows the lives of 4 young bar owners (Dennis, Sweet Dee, Charlie and Mac) who find themselves in all sorts of appalling, selfish situations. In the past they've tried to sell a Nazi Uniform, make terrorist films, feign illness, and in this most recent episode, they exploit a dumpster baby into modeling. When the baby's skin isn't dark enough they attempt to take him tanning. While all this is happening Frank and Charlie are off rummaging through the dump for items they can resell, filling their apartment with so much trash that they are forced to sleep in the streets.

Danny DiVito also stars in the series and plays Frank the hilariously abrasive father of Dee and Dennis.

The show's appeal comes from its simply tasteless stories and its characters utter greed and laziness. Right up my alley!

The show's on Thursday nights at 10 on FX. TUNE IN!

JDizz and oh yeah, The Capitol Years were there too

Check out this performance by the Capitol Years with friends as they perform a George Harrison cover at Johnny Brenda's. But that's not the best part. The best part is seeing yours truly in the crowd at the end. See if you can spot me! Click Here

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Dang, We're Small Potatoes

The Hubble space telescope is an amazing machine. It can take pictures back in time for crying out loud! Seriously, the Hubble telescope has captured light that is finally reaching us from the big bang. There's a great site where you can learn more and see an incredible gallery of pictures. Here are a few of my favorites. Click on them for a bigger experience.

A close up of my favorite planet Jupiter. Incredible storms rage across its surface.

Distant galaxies. Whoever says we're alone out here must be crazy. Take a moment to wrap your brain around the enormity of this picture. Each galaxy containing billions of stars. The stars themselves are thousands and thousands of lightyears apart.

A close up of one of the prettiest galaxies, the Whirlpool Galaxy. Simply stunning.

Ah, the Orion Nebula. How beautiful. Even people who have a small telescope can see the swirling dust below the belt of one of our most beloved constellations!

The Cats Eye nebula. Breathless.

The Hubble has indeed had its share of problems; from broken lenses to power failure. The US government, on several occasions, has seriously considered steering the Hubble to it's fiery death upon reentry into our atmosphere. But alas, NASA has found a way to keep it alive, and I for one am grateful.

Where else can you see pictures of what's really out there and feel divine hope all at the same time?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Indiana Jones Title Revealed!

The title of the new Indiana Jones movie was revealed by Shia LaBeouf at the VMAs on Sunday.

"Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"

The movie will be in theaters May 22, 2008. I'm a bit concerned because it's a little Temple of Doomish, but what the hey, I'll totally see it! Plus, I didn't realize crazy Karen Allen was in it. Good times.

By the way, were these two (David Gahan of Depeche Mode fame and Shia) separated at birth or what?

What do you think?

Monday, September 10, 2007

Poor Britney

Geeze, this poor girl can't seem to do anything right. Britney's performance at the VMAs last night was abysmal. It was so bad that I, as a viewer, was embarrassed.

I hate the VMAs almost as much as I hate the Grammys. Most of the sell-outs that they honor are shitty, untalented "musicians/ artists", whose egos are too inflated to rescue them from the grips of commercialism. So why did I tune into the VMAs last night? Well, I really wanted to see Britney's performance. I was kinda rooting for her. I wanted her to come out and blow the sceptics away.

However, it didn't exactly go down like that and no amount (or lack there of) of clothing could rescue this performance. The only thing good about it were the back-up dancers and I think they were a little ashamed. Britney did NOTHING and I mean NOTHING during her act. She came out in her sparkly underwear, hooker boots, and bad weave and walked around the stage lip syncing. I mean I can understand lip syncing if you are dancing your hiney off, but NO. She literally walked around the stage and jiggled her junk a bit while looking completely terrified. It was as if she spent too much time at Taco Bell scarfing down chalupas instead of practicing her moves. Plus the song was just terrible; sung poorly and over produced. I mean, at what point are we going to tell Britney that moaning and whispering into a microphone is not singing?

Well regardless, I was disappointed and turned the channel right after she was done and Sarah Silverman had a chance to rip her a new one. Now we sit back, watch and wait as the media has a complete field day with this one.

Oh and what was that about that war in Iraq?

PS: Head over to Pop-O-Matic for "Mean Spirited Mondays" where you can really go to town on Brit Brit.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Fug Hunt Update

My sister just got back from a trip to the cabin with my parents. (Beeps and I did not go this time.)

I just opened my e-mail to find this picture and a short message from my sis that read: "Guess who was chillin' in our cooler with the Miller Lights when we got home from the cabin last weekend!"

Thursday, September 6, 2007

The World's Ugliest Celebs

When I first saw this I immediately thought of Ron Howard's brother Clint Howard who incidentally made the cut. I'm sure he's a nice guy, but come on, he took a very short dip in the gene pool. This is actually not a bad picture of him. I don't know how he did it (having Richie Cunningham as a brother probably helped) but he's been in 176 films! I guess you don't have to be good looking to be a star. There's hope for me yet.

Having looked at the others on the list, there are some obvious choices (Michael Jackson), some obscure choices (the plastic surgery cat lady), and some deceased celebs like (Marty Feldman - the best eyes ever!).

Your 2 cents might shed some light on this important subject. I'm sure they missed many, many more. Your thoughts?

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

What Was That About The Illiterates?

Okay, again another celebrity has screwed up and said the wrong thing. Jerry Lewis apparently went on some type of "comedy" rant during his telethon and called an imaginary person an "illiterate faggot" or something like that. Today he apologized and all is right in the world, but I challenge you to be 80-something and do comedy during a telethon for like 24 hours straight (no pun intended)! I know I couldn't do it without at least several drinks and some randomly placed curses.

But seriously folks, the man is definitely going to heaven regardless of what he says. Look, how much money has this man raised for charity over the years? Like zillions??? Yesterday alone he raised over 64 MILLION dollars! The last charitable thing I did was donate some used crap to the Salvation Army. I think he deserves a "pass" on this one folks.

I guess my point is, celebrities are not perfect (duh), and neither am I, and neither are you, so don't judge people from one action, take into account their whole character.

Jerry, Just be cool from here on out bud. I appreciate the sincere apology. Keep up the good work.

Holy Crap, It's Almost Wednesday

I just realized that almost a whole week has passed since my last post. It's practically Wednesday already! Well what can I say, I got lazy. Mostly because I had Thursday and Friday off and I just concentrated on having fun. Thursday Beeps and I hit Johnny Brenda's in Philly to see The Capitol Years and Bitter Bitter Weeks.

Friday we ate sushi at my favorite place Kooma here in Dub See and saw that movie "Once". It was great, highly recommend it! We saw it at the Colonial Theater in Phoenixville (you know, where the filmed The Blob). Man is that a cool theater. It opened in 1903 and is home to many independent films. The prices are cheap: $7 a ticket and $2 popcorn! Plus the inside is like a flashback to the beginning of the century. Check out the web site for some pictures.

Saturday we cleaned and played video games for a while (I got Viva Pinata and am addicted!). I need to figure out how to attract the horse though, and get the rainbow cloud thingy, so any tips welcome.

Sunday some fellow townies came over for an afternoon picnic and Monday we relaxed and resumed game playing where Beeps dove into Bioshock. That game is fricking frightening; zombies, possessed little girls with giant machine body guards, carnival music and clowns, gene splicing, crazy people climbing on the ceilings, corpses everywhere, and it's all underwater. Freakie deekie.

Well, That's about it. But I'm back folks!

Lot's of Hangover to come. Stay tuned.