Lady J

Back in February Beeps threw me a B-Day party. Unbeknownst to me, he asked everyone to bring a poem to read. It was very cool. Everyone said cool stuff and I actually shed a tear. One visitor (Matt C.), who found out about the party at the last minute, was unaware of the poem requirement. He was very upset about not knowing because he actually IS a poet. I don't mean a part-time poet, he's the real deal. As long as I've known him, he's been composing poetry and songs. He has volumes of stuff. All of it good.

On Saturday night at the MPW show, he gave me a 3 page hand-written poem that he had written after the party. Turns out he was pretty upset that he didn't know about the poem thing and he wanted to give me one.

It might seem a bit narcissistic, but I'm going to post it here anyway. I assure you, this is more about the gift and the writer than me. So I hope you enjoy. (Warning, there are some bad words, but it's art right? So don't be offended.) And a big thanks to Matt for all the kind words!

Lady J

She is Jess!
She never bores!
She walks a world apart from
The usual pretender snoot gals you see
Their beauty falling fall short,
Their humors wither in shame

She is Jess!
She never bores!
Jess unfurls a visual funk parade
'Neath Survivor bandanna
Whilst twistin' that Bop-it in double-time, man

She is Jess!
She never bores!
Whilst you, possibly me
Fumble to please
Jess so effortlessly is the pulse of the party
Peep how she propels party people to
Pop plenty of precious platitudes.

She is Jess!
She never bores!
The five (other) men she'd meet
In heavenly sexy time bliss
By kind permission of American$tyle
Her swinger partner 'round the town:
Richard Dean in a bed made of
Deodorant, duct tape, lint and fruit roll-up orange;
Pelle "The Belly" Eklund, squint-eyed pot-bellied mild-mannered
Freak of Swedish nature, now lost to the obscurity
Of a peyote-induced penalty kill of the soul;
James Franco, I presume, erstwhile hotaholic
"Freaks and Geeks" in peak physique actor slash star
A.K.A. Green Goblin, Jr., A.K.A. James (not Richard) Dean pretender to the throne;
The other two are Rowan Atkinson and Michael Rosenbomber.

She is Jess!
She never bores!
She's down with everything you are
And dances past your trends before you've even discovered them
Go back to Hicksville, Leroy, you ain't got a chance
For a glance, let alone a dance
OK maybe a glance, as I wax poetic I shellack the truth
The perfect woman, no one can't not compare - to her I say
"Follow your dreams, rare bird!
Our dreams were already realized by you eons ago."

She is Jess!
She never bores!
J. Dawg doesn't just talk dirty
She walks it, and manufactures the shit
Lady J can out-raunch and overbelch the boys
Any night you like and any day you pick, you prick.
Ask Jess, Ask Jess, everybody does
For Jessie is always right
And you'll always need a few minutes to figger out
Where you went wrong. So sit down.

She is Jess!
She never fucking bores!!
See how she nicks that Stevie competition with ease
And while you're still busy tying your shoes, Jess has
Already played two more rounds of the Wampa Jenga
Patriotic and true, and befriender of Steve H.
But only when her parents are out of town

She is Jessie!
She rocks!
Makes us talk, makes us think
Makes us wanna scoot to the bar for another Golden Monkey drink
I've seen it so many times, Jess makes any happy hour ecstatic
Attend one of her parties & be tractor beamed yanked back all year long
JPS, in fullness of effect, yo!
I found this item on her Internet Movie Database profile:

JPS
Think Terri Hatcher
Imitating Kim Delaney
Acting like Marilyn Monroe
In an ecstacy-fueled perfume commercial
Chock full of costume changes
And blissed - out kinky booty beats.
Yeeeaah!

She is Jess!
She can't be stopped.
(and why would we want her to?)
Why, American$tyle just walked in the room
w/ second thoughts about her "5 people in Heavenly Sexy Time Bliss List"
The talented husband, with his uncanny Tobey Maquire visage
Stands on the coffee table, and begins to sing to Jess.
What he sings is "I Only Drop Trou For You"
Because she's the best, guys! And devoted and true.
That's what I've been trying to tell you.
It would be most unfortunate (for you)
If you left here tonight without this insight.
Aah, it's true. She is Jess.
Beauty, Brains, Ballsiness and Betterment for ALL!
But NEVER BORING!!
For she is Jessie!
...So pass me the beer nuts.