Liquid Fence

Getting another puppy was an easy decision for Beeps and I. After Old Bluey (a dog we adopted when he was well into his senior years) passed, we knew we wanted to get a dog that would be with us for a while. Leia Darth Maul is a sweet dog. Very independent and pretty. But she's only 5 months old and therefor is in her chewing prime.

Today at work I got a call from Beeps: "That dog has chewed another hole in the deck!" he said. "We can't let her out there again unattended."

I agreed and came up with the bright idea that I would head over to the pet store and pick up some deterrent spray. If you don't know what that is, it's a spray that you put on places where you don't want your pets to go, chew, pee, etc.

So I get to the store and start browsing the isles. A nice store associate senses my confusion and offers his help. He recommends a few selections from the dog section. I explain that I have a puppy who has found our deck delicious. He looks again at the current products and then turns to me. "This stuff is good, but if you want the industrial strength spray, you'll have to come with me."

"Yes!" I said to myself. "That's exactly what I want."

I follow him to aisle 1 and he directs me to the "Liquid Fence", nods, and walks off to help another customer. I pick up the bottle and look at the price: $19.99. Okay, this place is expensive, but this is crazy! BUT I really need to do something to deter her. I look away and place the bottle back on the shelf. So I thought.

I turn to walk away and hear a big SPLAT on the floor behind me. SHIT! It fell. Of course my instinct is to go pick it up, which I did. BAD IDEA. I place it back on the shelf only to find out the hard way that the bottle is cracked and I now have Liquid Fence all over my hand.

I quickly walk away. "What do I do? What do I do? They had to hear that. It was so loud. Crap."

"Wait, what the eff is that smell? It smells like pepper spray mixed with ass? Holy crap, I have liquid fence all over my shoe and my hand."

I look around. No one seems to notice YET. But I NEED to get a spray. I think for a moment and decide to just grab another bottle of the same stuff (One that's not broken) and buy it.

I pretend to examine the variety of dog toys as I systematically wipe my funky hand on a collection of plush toys. "Some customer is going to be pretty upset when they get that toy home to their pooch and the dog won't go near it." I nervously giggle to myself.

I take the bottle up to the counter and HOPE that no one smells me. But what do I care, I'm spending $20 on this stupid thing.

I drive home with every window down because I can't stand my own stench. It was BAAAD, like skunk bad. I smelled like a peppercorn tuna steak gone bad. I bust into the house and immediately wash my hands in the kitchen sink. No dice, I run to the bathroom downstairs and wash, I still stink, I go upstairs and SCRUB with a mixture of Dove and Scrubbing Bubbles shower spray, I reek.

Defeated I head to the deck with the bottle and spray it on the spot that Leia chewed.

She approaches, wags her tail, and proceeds to lick it.

Ugg. Pets.