Okay, so the guy has just been hired, I mean like a day before we go on the trip, and I barely know him. I'm traveling with our president and VP who happens to be an attractive woman in her early 40s. Immediately Barry thinks he has a chance with her. Let's call my VP Liz. Now Liz is instantly repulsed by Barry. He is already telling her things like "I just like looking at you." "Do you want to join me in the gym?", "I like your blouse." etc. He's gross. He also tells her that he's 57 when later on during the trip, he tells me he's 60.
Now let me remind you that he was hired to help us with not only our own HR practices, but to help train others on programs to help hire and retain the right employees. Umm, what is he thinking? He's already broken his own rules.
Over the next two days he progresses to a demented state. He begins to analyze everyone because he's a "psychologist" and asks us the strangest questions. We quickly realize that he has no idea how to talk to people like a normal person. For example, Liz talked about a piece of jewelry she bought for herself and Barry asks: "Does jewelry make you happy?" And after the Phils won against the Dodgers to go to the world series, he said to me: "I don't watch sports. Do sports make you happy?" Liz and I begin to think there's something really wrong with him.
Then on a trip where Barry and I went for a walk together to pick up something at the store for work, he went on and on about how he's never been married but has had too many girlfriends to count, that his last girlfriend of 4 1/2 years left him for no reason, and that he keeps flirting with Liz because he likes her and thinks that if she at least flirts back that it will help him get over his ex. WACKO!
On top of it all, Barry is a one-upper. You all know what that is right? A person, no matter what you say and what you have done in your life, he has done something better and more amazing. Because Liz was having a mental freak-out over Barry's inappropriateness, I decided to make a list of all of Barry's claims. You know, to turn this tragedy into something fun. So without further ado, I present the Barry one-upper list. And I swear, on my life, that none of this is made up.
Do enjoy:
1. Barry told Liz he was 57 and told me the next day he was 60
2. He went on and on about how he has 100s of movies, has a 40 inch plasma screen TV with the best surround sound system, and that he bought a PS3 not for the games, but for the Blue Ray technology.
3. He has a big house
4. He hikes - a lot
5. In a conversation about the Sixth Sense movie, where my President has an antique shop that appeared in the movie, Barry told us all that he once trained Bruce Willis
6. At one point in the trip, Liz complained of back pain and Barry said he could help her fix it with massage and breathing techniques and that he would be happy to show her.
stay with me, it gets better...
7. Barry's family no longer visits him on holidays, they don't appreciate his cooking. Instead he prefers to spend holidays with his close friends who really like his curry soup that takes him 6 hours to make.
8. At one of the convention events, Barry told me that although he was surrounded by women, that he didn't find anyone attractive and didn't think he was going to meet anyone. He proceeded to tell me that back in the day he would go to bars alone and wait for the women to come to him. They would ask him two things (and I quote) "Are you alone?" and "Want to go back to my place?"
9. In a conversation about pets I was talking about my two dogs and Barry said that he knew someone that owned a wolf and another who owns a leopard.
10. Barry once swam in the dead sea.
11. Barry knew the woman who was heiress to the Maidenform fortune. And I quote, "I could have married her easily. She wanted to marry me, but I didn't want to marry for money." Instead she asked him to go away with her to Switzerland. She also offered to secure him a spot on some national art board, but he refused.
12. At one point at dinner, Liz commented that she liked the wine glasses. Barry responded that he owned those glasses.
13. Barry has worked as a psychologist in the ER, he's been the director of a hospital, he help police when he worked with psychopaths, and he was a professor.
14. Barry also paints, he has an acrylic, abstract painting hanging in the corporate offices of Planned Parenthood in NYC
Oh, there's more. Saving the best for last:
15. Barry once auditioned naked for a production of Hair in London. He got the part but decided that he didn't want to take it. He just wanted to see if he could do it.
16. He knew a lesbian rocker who owned her own coffee shop or something (I lost interest on this one)
17. Barry is allergic to cats and goats.
18. Barry knew the guy who invented the pet rock. (I'm fucking serious. He said that.)
19. Barry once had a waterbed with 10 cylinders. Whatever that means. I didn't pursue this one either.
20. Barry once vacationed at a Club Med in the Bahamas that was also a nudist beach.
21. Barry once rode the Marrakesh Express with a guy who had a briefcase filled with hashish.
And the last and best one:
22. One day when Johnny Mathis was on tour in his town, and Barry worked at the local hospital, Johnny Mathis' drummer came to the hospital to get a shot of antibiotics for his syphilis. Barry convinced the drummer to tell him who gave him the disease and the drummer told him that Johnny Mathis gave it to him. So the drummer took doctors back to the concert venue to also give Johnny Mathis the shot.
And that's it. I arrived home on Saturday with all this great info and just had to share it with you guys. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I have a feeling that Barry's life at my company is short-lived. Especially since he hit on the VP of the company. I will keep you abreast of any new developments and Barryisms as they become available.
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