Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label work. Show all posts
Monday, October 20, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
The One-Upper
Hi Townies, sorry for the lack of posts recently, but I've been traveling for work. In order to keep the innocent, well, innocent, let's just say I was in a desert surrounded by God-loving people. It was my first time traveling with my new coworkers and proved to be filled with blog-worthy material. A few days before we left for God-town, my company hired a new employee. His job is to help us create programs that we can sell to our clients to help them retain their employees. This person, let's call him Barry, allegedly has a background in mental health and human resource programs and calls himself a "psychologist." However, I know for a fact that he only has a masters degree. I know this because he had me put "MA" after his name on his business cards. Um, a masters? Who cares, I can get a masters online in like a month. This should give you a hint right away that this guy has a HUGE ego, thinks he's God's gift to the world, and is what my coworker calls an "importante."
Okay, so the guy has just been hired, I mean like a day before we go on the trip, and I barely know him. I'm traveling with our president and VP who happens to be an attractive woman in her early 40s. Immediately Barry thinks he has a chance with her. Let's call my VP Liz. Now Liz is instantly repulsed by Barry. He is already telling her things like "I just like looking at you." "Do you want to join me in the gym?", "I like your blouse." etc. He's gross. He also tells her that he's 57 when later on during the trip, he tells me he's 60.
Now let me remind you that he was hired to help us with not only our own HR practices, but to help train others on programs to help hire and retain the right employees. Umm, what is he thinking? He's already broken his own rules.
Over the next two days he progresses to a demented state. He begins to analyze everyone because he's a "psychologist" and asks us the strangest questions. We quickly realize that he has no idea how to talk to people like a normal person. For example, Liz talked about a piece of jewelry she bought for herself and Barry asks: "Does jewelry make you happy?" And after the Phils won against the Dodgers to go to the world series, he said to me: "I don't watch sports. Do sports make you happy?" Liz and I begin to think there's something really wrong with him.
Then on a trip where Barry and I went for a walk together to pick up something at the store for work, he went on and on about how he's never been married but has had too many girlfriends to count, that his last girlfriend of 4 1/2 years left him for no reason, and that he keeps flirting with Liz because he likes her and thinks that if she at least flirts back that it will help him get over his ex. WACKO!
On top of it all, Barry is a one-upper. You all know what that is right? A person, no matter what you say and what you have done in your life, he has done something better and more amazing. Because Liz was having a mental freak-out over Barry's inappropriateness, I decided to make a list of all of Barry's claims. You know, to turn this tragedy into something fun. So without further ado, I present the Barry one-upper list. And I swear, on my life, that none of this is made up.
Do enjoy:
1. Barry told Liz he was 57 and told me the next day he was 60
2. He went on and on about how he has 100s of movies, has a 40 inch plasma screen TV with the best surround sound system, and that he bought a PS3 not for the games, but for the Blue Ray technology.
3. He has a big house
4. He hikes - a lot
5. In a conversation about the Sixth Sense movie, where my President has an antique shop that appeared in the movie, Barry told us all that he once trained Bruce Willis
6. At one point in the trip, Liz complained of back pain and Barry said he could help her fix it with massage and breathing techniques and that he would be happy to show her.
stay with me, it gets better...
7. Barry's family no longer visits him on holidays, they don't appreciate his cooking. Instead he prefers to spend holidays with his close friends who really like his curry soup that takes him 6 hours to make.
8. At one of the convention events, Barry told me that although he was surrounded by women, that he didn't find anyone attractive and didn't think he was going to meet anyone. He proceeded to tell me that back in the day he would go to bars alone and wait for the women to come to him. They would ask him two things (and I quote) "Are you alone?" and "Want to go back to my place?"
9. In a conversation about pets I was talking about my two dogs and Barry said that he knew someone that owned a wolf and another who owns a leopard.
10. Barry once swam in the dead sea.
11. Barry knew the woman who was heiress to the Maidenform fortune. And I quote, "I could have married her easily. She wanted to marry me, but I didn't want to marry for money." Instead she asked him to go away with her to Switzerland. She also offered to secure him a spot on some national art board, but he refused.
12. At one point at dinner, Liz commented that she liked the wine glasses. Barry responded that he owned those glasses.
13. Barry has worked as a psychologist in the ER, he's been the director of a hospital, he help police when he worked with psychopaths, and he was a professor.
14. Barry also paints, he has an acrylic, abstract painting hanging in the corporate offices of Planned Parenthood in NYC
Oh, there's more. Saving the best for last:
15. Barry once auditioned naked for a production of Hair in London. He got the part but decided that he didn't want to take it. He just wanted to see if he could do it.
16. He knew a lesbian rocker who owned her own coffee shop or something (I lost interest on this one)
17. Barry is allergic to cats and goats.
18. Barry knew the guy who invented the pet rock. (I'm fucking serious. He said that.)
19. Barry once had a waterbed with 10 cylinders. Whatever that means. I didn't pursue this one either.
20. Barry once vacationed at a Club Med in the Bahamas that was also a nudist beach.
21. Barry once rode the Marrakesh Express with a guy who had a briefcase filled with hashish.
And the last and best one:
22. One day when Johnny Mathis was on tour in his town, and Barry worked at the local hospital, Johnny Mathis' drummer came to the hospital to get a shot of antibiotics for his syphilis. Barry convinced the drummer to tell him who gave him the disease and the drummer told him that Johnny Mathis gave it to him. So the drummer took doctors back to the concert venue to also give Johnny Mathis the shot.
And that's it. I arrived home on Saturday with all this great info and just had to share it with you guys. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I have a feeling that Barry's life at my company is short-lived. Especially since he hit on the VP of the company. I will keep you abreast of any new developments and Barryisms as they become available.
Okay, so the guy has just been hired, I mean like a day before we go on the trip, and I barely know him. I'm traveling with our president and VP who happens to be an attractive woman in her early 40s. Immediately Barry thinks he has a chance with her. Let's call my VP Liz. Now Liz is instantly repulsed by Barry. He is already telling her things like "I just like looking at you." "Do you want to join me in the gym?", "I like your blouse." etc. He's gross. He also tells her that he's 57 when later on during the trip, he tells me he's 60.
Now let me remind you that he was hired to help us with not only our own HR practices, but to help train others on programs to help hire and retain the right employees. Umm, what is he thinking? He's already broken his own rules.
Over the next two days he progresses to a demented state. He begins to analyze everyone because he's a "psychologist" and asks us the strangest questions. We quickly realize that he has no idea how to talk to people like a normal person. For example, Liz talked about a piece of jewelry she bought for herself and Barry asks: "Does jewelry make you happy?" And after the Phils won against the Dodgers to go to the world series, he said to me: "I don't watch sports. Do sports make you happy?" Liz and I begin to think there's something really wrong with him.
Then on a trip where Barry and I went for a walk together to pick up something at the store for work, he went on and on about how he's never been married but has had too many girlfriends to count, that his last girlfriend of 4 1/2 years left him for no reason, and that he keeps flirting with Liz because he likes her and thinks that if she at least flirts back that it will help him get over his ex. WACKO!
On top of it all, Barry is a one-upper. You all know what that is right? A person, no matter what you say and what you have done in your life, he has done something better and more amazing. Because Liz was having a mental freak-out over Barry's inappropriateness, I decided to make a list of all of Barry's claims. You know, to turn this tragedy into something fun. So without further ado, I present the Barry one-upper list. And I swear, on my life, that none of this is made up.
Do enjoy:
1. Barry told Liz he was 57 and told me the next day he was 60
2. He went on and on about how he has 100s of movies, has a 40 inch plasma screen TV with the best surround sound system, and that he bought a PS3 not for the games, but for the Blue Ray technology.
3. He has a big house
4. He hikes - a lot
5. In a conversation about the Sixth Sense movie, where my President has an antique shop that appeared in the movie, Barry told us all that he once trained Bruce Willis
6. At one point in the trip, Liz complained of back pain and Barry said he could help her fix it with massage and breathing techniques and that he would be happy to show her.
stay with me, it gets better...
7. Barry's family no longer visits him on holidays, they don't appreciate his cooking. Instead he prefers to spend holidays with his close friends who really like his curry soup that takes him 6 hours to make.
8. At one of the convention events, Barry told me that although he was surrounded by women, that he didn't find anyone attractive and didn't think he was going to meet anyone. He proceeded to tell me that back in the day he would go to bars alone and wait for the women to come to him. They would ask him two things (and I quote) "Are you alone?" and "Want to go back to my place?"
9. In a conversation about pets I was talking about my two dogs and Barry said that he knew someone that owned a wolf and another who owns a leopard.
10. Barry once swam in the dead sea.
11. Barry knew the woman who was heiress to the Maidenform fortune. And I quote, "I could have married her easily. She wanted to marry me, but I didn't want to marry for money." Instead she asked him to go away with her to Switzerland. She also offered to secure him a spot on some national art board, but he refused.
12. At one point at dinner, Liz commented that she liked the wine glasses. Barry responded that he owned those glasses.
13. Barry has worked as a psychologist in the ER, he's been the director of a hospital, he help police when he worked with psychopaths, and he was a professor.
14. Barry also paints, he has an acrylic, abstract painting hanging in the corporate offices of Planned Parenthood in NYC
Oh, there's more. Saving the best for last:
15. Barry once auditioned naked for a production of Hair in London. He got the part but decided that he didn't want to take it. He just wanted to see if he could do it.
16. He knew a lesbian rocker who owned her own coffee shop or something (I lost interest on this one)
17. Barry is allergic to cats and goats.
18. Barry knew the guy who invented the pet rock. (I'm fucking serious. He said that.)
19. Barry once had a waterbed with 10 cylinders. Whatever that means. I didn't pursue this one either.
20. Barry once vacationed at a Club Med in the Bahamas that was also a nudist beach.
21. Barry once rode the Marrakesh Express with a guy who had a briefcase filled with hashish.
And the last and best one:
22. One day when Johnny Mathis was on tour in his town, and Barry worked at the local hospital, Johnny Mathis' drummer came to the hospital to get a shot of antibiotics for his syphilis. Barry convinced the drummer to tell him who gave him the disease and the drummer told him that Johnny Mathis gave it to him. So the drummer took doctors back to the concert venue to also give Johnny Mathis the shot.
And that's it. I arrived home on Saturday with all this great info and just had to share it with you guys. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. I have a feeling that Barry's life at my company is short-lived. Especially since he hit on the VP of the company. I will keep you abreast of any new developments and Barryisms as they become available.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
MPW at Johnny Brenda's
Hi Townies, First let me apologize for not posting in a while. On Monday of last week I gave my 4 weeks notice to my boss that I was leaving. I offered to stick around, train a new person, finish some outstanding projects, clean up my desk, etc. And instead I was told "Today will be your last day." So I've been in a "trial retirement" for the past week and a half. I been traveling and seeing family. (I actually got fugged, I'll
post about that later Lioux) and just really enjoying myself with Beeps. So as you can imagine, blogging hasn't been much of a priority.
However, this post is important because Missing Palmer West will be playing at Johnny Brenda's this Saturday night. Check out this GREAT plug in Philadelphia Weekly magazine online.
And hope to see you all there.
8pm. $8.
With Audible + Buried Beds.
Johnny Brenda's, 1201 Frankford Ave.
215.739.9684
post about that later Lioux) and just really enjoying myself with Beeps. So as you can imagine, blogging hasn't been much of a priority.However, this post is important because Missing Palmer West will be playing at Johnny Brenda's this Saturday night. Check out this GREAT plug in Philadelphia Weekly magazine online.
And hope to see you all there.
8pm. $8.
With Audible + Buried Beds.
Johnny Brenda's, 1201 Frankford Ave.
215.739.9684
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
The Apology
So if you didn't read yesterday's post, a client was very unhappy with some work I did for him. This morning I come in to this email apology. I was stunned to say the least.
"I apologize for being so harsh with my observations about the press release. Suppose all the decisions I've had to make lately have resulted in a shorter fuse which is not good. So kindly forgive my lack of patience and I'll
have Bob respond to your revised copy."
He could have done that yesterday to save me the sleepless night filled with insecurity. But what the heck. At least he had a change of heart and realized what a d-bag he was.
I guess I have to call all those magazines I put in his name, and cancel the subscriptions.
"I apologize for being so harsh with my observations about the press release. Suppose all the decisions I've had to make lately have resulted in a shorter fuse which is not good. So kindly forgive my lack of patience and I'll
have Bob respond to your revised copy."He could have done that yesterday to save me the sleepless night filled with insecurity. But what the heck. At least he had a change of heart and realized what a d-bag he was.
I guess I have to call all those magazines I put in his name, and cancel the subscriptions.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Happiness Is...
Beeps suggested I open up this post with a passage from Chapter 6 of Hemingway's A Moveable Feast:
"When spring came, even the false spring, there were no problems except where to be happiest. The only thing that could spoil a day was people and if you could keep from making engagements, each day had no limits. People were always the limiters of happiness except for the very few that were as good as spring itself."
We have this chalk board in our bathroom at work. It's a unisex bathroom; we're a small company, only six of us. Every so often someone posts a question on the board and over the next few days or weeks the answers to that question pile up.
This is what the board says today:
"Happiness is..."
(here are the answers in order of appearance)
- A starburst in your pocket
- First snow of the season
- A shiny new haircut
- A for real smile
- A turtle
- A cool pillow
- An ice cold 40
- Bare feet
- Not Oprah
- Negative test results
- A dead bear (I inquired about this one and was told a dead bear is much better than a live bear cause a dead bear can't attack you. Um, okay, makes sense I guess.)
- The antidote
Part of the fun is wondering who said what. I'm sure you can guess mine. And please, feel free to add to the list.
"When spring came, even the false spring, there were no problems except where to be happiest. The only thing that could spoil a day was people and if you could keep from making engagements, each day had no limits. People were always the limiters of happiness except for the very few that were as good as spring itself."
We have this chalk board in our bathroom at work. It's a unisex bathroom; we're a small company, only six of us. Every so often someone posts a question on the board and over the next few days or weeks the answers to that question pile up.
This is what the board says today:
"Happiness is..."
(here are the answers in order of appearance)
- A starburst in your pocket
- First snow of the season
- A shiny new haircut
- A for real smile
- A turtle
- A cool pillow
- An ice cold 40
- Bare feet
- Not Oprah
- Negative test results
- A dead bear (I inquired about this one and was told a dead bear is much better than a live bear cause a dead bear can't attack you. Um, okay, makes sense I guess.)
- The antidote
Part of the fun is wondering who said what. I'm sure you can guess mine. And please, feel free to add to the list.
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